Another year, another birthday. Today I woke up in awe that I MADE IT to another birthday. I have been living with a chronic cancer (Chronic Myeloid Leukemia) for the past 10 years or so. It kind of sucks to live with a chronic cancer, because you linger, you struggle, you go through treatment after treatment until one day they tell you that you are terminal and they will do what they can to give you more life, more time with your family, your children…When you deal with a chronic cancer for as many years as I have, other things start to go. I am in kidney failure, my pancreas is no longer working at all, so I am taking 6 insulin shots a day, my heart is damaged from all the chemotherapy and radiation…some days you wonder WHY you keep going, you get tired, but you know what? I am GLAD I am still here.
The years I have been given allowed me to watch my daughter Mel grow up and start to live her own life, it allowed me to have my boo K in my life…she lights up my life every day! It allowed me more time with my best friend Kevin, whose been with me since we were 8 years old. It’s given me more time with my Mama, the years allowed me to be able to tell her more and more about the things “Dad” did to me. And speaking of “Dad”, these years gave me the time to gather up the courage to FINALLY say “NO MORE” and have his ass put in jail in 2009. And most of all, these years allowed me to find my true soul mate, D. If the doctors or even ME had given up, I would have never met her!
It’s funny, I’ve always known I was bi-sexual, and I lived a mostly gay lifestyle until I met her. I ALWAYS knew, since I was a small boy– that used to lie under the stars at night with my best friend Kevin and talk– that my soul mate was female. I always knew I would find her some day. I remember telling Kevin that when we were about 10 years old or so. He never doubted me. I didn’t know just HOW long it would take me to find her, however. I went through one shitty, abusive in one way or the other relationship. In all my life I can say, until I met D, I only had 2 some what healthy relationships, one with a woman and one with a man. It seemed I would seek out people who would abuse me, because abuse was ALL I knew. As most of you who read my blog know, my abuse didn’t stop when I was 18 and moved out of my childhood home. It continued, for all of my life. All I knew growing up was sex and abuse. I thought sex was the way to show I cared. I thought being treated as a sexual object was how people showed they cared. My life has been such a fucked up mess, UNTIL I met my soul mate D.
She is the ONLY person who knows mostly everything about my life and my abuse and she STAYED, she stuck with me, she helped me, she cried with me and for me, she gave me her strength. She also helped me out with my Autism. Until I met her (we met on the site deviantART) I never talked on the phone unless it was to my child, Kevin or my mother. I HATED it, I was terrified of the phone. I have so many problems socially. I cannot read people’s body language, I can’t tell what they are thinking. I stim constantly, I have tics and other oddities. I am high functioning, but I have a LOT of low functioning traits and D has helped me get through not only the phone thing, but she pushed me to DJ (from my own home of course), she pushed me to step outside my little world (which I love) and see the world a bit more. I am GLAD she did.
I have a few friends now that I actually talk to on the phone, though I will admit I SUCK at calling first. I RARELY do it heh. But when they call, I DO talk and it’s an amazing thing for me. I actually love it some days, and some days, I like it less and just want to be quiet and left alone. And my friends understand that, so it’s all good. I DJ’d for a couple of online radio stations and it was a BLAST and if I live longer, I want to start my OWN station, because I DO miss that! Music has always been a HUGE part of my life, whether it was playing music and performing with my band OR listening. I have my own talk show on the internet and I have been fortunate to interview people like Ace Frehley and Bruce Kulick of KISS to other Autistics and abuse survivors like me! If it wasn’t for my soul mate D, I would have done NONE of that.
This past year also saw me finally start to fight again for my SSI (which I DESERVE after working my ass and paying taxes) and went through the process from initial application to hearing in less than a year. That is UNHEARD of most of the time, but I have a great attorney now AND one of our Senators of KY fighting for me. My hearing was January 19th and it went WELL I think. When we left the hearing my lawyer said to me “We got it!” and I said to him, “You really think so?” and he said “Yes, I would be very,very, VERRRY shocked if you didn’t get it!” Of course part of me is totally optimistic and the other part of me is totally pessimistic, because I have been fighting for my SSI for TEN years! No one should ever have to fight like I have! SOOO, hopefully in the next few weeks, I will hear something and HOPEFULLY it’s GOOD news and I get my Medicaid, my backpay (which won’t be much, unfortunately) and my monthly check! So I still ask everyone to keep their fingers crossed!
In the last few months of 2009 I ended my abuse. I finally “TOLD” and my “Dad” is in prison now. He can’t contact me, he can’t call me, he can’t stalk me and he can’t rape or beat me EVER again. It doesn’t make me “get over” the years and years of abuse. I am too shattered to “get over it”, BUT I feel safe for the first time in my life. I can actually go to the store or doctor and know he won’t show up to terrorize me. I can SLEEP at night now, without worrying about him possibly breaking into my apartment and raping and beating me to a bloody pulp again. I can answer my phone and not have to be so scared to death I vomit when I would hear his sick voice on the other end. I would like to say I am FREE, but I will never be TRULY free. But it is NICE to live whatever life I have left without HIM.
So all in all, I hope this year brings me more LIFE. I hope I get my Medicaid so I can see the specialists I need to see, that can hopefully help me have a better quality of life. I hope this year brings me my money, so I can feel some what more independent and I can FINALLY fix up my apartment so it’s more ME and not a bunch of hand-me-down furniture and all. I want new things that are MINE, MINE, MINE!!! I hope I get my money so I can finally take my kids out and say, “Why YES, you can have that!” and not have to worry if I can pay a bill after I buy it *le sigh*. So I can buy my wife a proper wedding band and give her and my kids the day spa trip they’ve been dreaming of. So I can give my Mama some money to help her. She’s taken care of me since I got sick, she let me live with her for two years, she bought my smokes, some of my meds, she bathed me when I was too weak to do it myself, she’s loved me unconditionally and it will be nice to give a little bit back to her!!
I hope this year I can be at LEAST 80% happy, instead of the 20% I have been. I live in a fog of depression and illness and it’s HARD to be happy all the time, but I would like to feel more happy than I usually do. I want to KNOW what it feels like to wake up happy more than one or two days a week. I hope this year brings me at least SOME peace, some healing. Less flashbacks, night terrors and fears. I know I will never be totally healed. I went through far too much–torture, rape, beatings beyond what most of you can comprehend. My mind shattered that day in the garage when I was a small, small child. I am tired of feeling negative and pessimistic. I want to live what life I have left in happiness, some peace and PURE LOVE! I want to live what life I have left surrounded by my family and the few REAL friends I have who love me.
I want to thank my family and my Kevin for loving me NO MATTER WHAT. I want to thank D for being my soul mate, for putting up with me and my negativity, my depression, my melt downs…for loving me unconditionally and always being there! I will always be your forever boy and one day we will have our Heaven together and it will be everything we’ve always talked about! I Love you, forever and a day!! <3
I want to thank my Autistic friends that I’ve met over the last year! I never had Autistic friends until I met you all and it’s nice to talk to people who understand what it’s like! You guys are so great and I feel blessed to have met you all!
To a few special friends–
Ariana–You’ve been BEYOND good to me! I know these few words in this blog cannot express my thanks to you! You are a special and beautiful person and don’t you EVER let anyone tell you otherwise! You’ve listened to me cry, be angry, laugh and just be quiet. And it’s ALL ok. You’ve also helped me so much and if it weren’t for you a few times, I would have been TOTALLY screwed (and not in a good way hahaha). I can NEVER begin to repay you, so I will just say THANK YOU and I love you! <3
To my dear friend Jerilyn–We’ve known each other for years and you’ve always been there for me. We’ve had our ups and downs, our arguments where both of us were too stubborn to give in, but some how our friendship survived all of that and here we are, still friends! WOW! You’ve done more for me than anyone can imagine, you’ve helped me be independent, you’ve saved my ass more than once. You’ve cried and laughed with me, you’ve gossiped with me (HAHA) and I appreciate you so much! I love you dearly and I always will!
Wow, this ended up being a long post, but I haven’t written in awhile and I guess I had a lot to get out, so deal with it! 
HAHAHA! OMG my arms and hands are hurting so bad now HAHA! Thanks to everyone who has read this far HAHA!!! I am SO out! 
You’ve shown more strength through your bad shit than most people show during their entire life-time, and without a fraction of the stuff you’ve had to deal with. You deserve every bit of happiness and relief you get.
I wish you a year of a helluva lot of positivity and happiness, and I SO hope you get your SSI. I know exactly the feeling of wanting to decorate your home the way YOU want it to be, instead of having to do with secondhand stuff.
This year will be the best one yet, for you, your wonderful family, and for the autistic community.
*hugs* from Michael
Thank you SO much for writing Michael. It seems I always nearly beg people to read and comment, because comments mean the world to me and it’s NICE when someone cares enough to do that! You are a really great person…I’ve learned that through reading your Twitter messages AND talking privately with you!
Thank you for the kind words…I really treasure them more than anyone could imagine!
I hope this year is the greatest for YOU too, you certainly deserve it as well!
*big hugs back to you*
I think this is my favorite blog of all the blogs you’ve ever written. Your positivity is a welcome change… you have no idea how strong and beautiful you come across when you consciously decide to deliver your words with positivity. The good will always override the bad, positivity will bring so much more reward than negativity ever could.
Our minds are magnets, continuously attracting that which we concentrate on. Maybe now it’s your season in the sun… maybe now that percentage can shift from less to more. More happy. More money. More Love.
And yes, through all the hard times, and there are so many more than anyone reading this could ever know, I have been there for you. But baby, it’s never been anything but worth it, for me. Not one moment of my life with you has ever made me want to flee the scene. I’ve seen it all with you, and whatever it is that I haven’t seen, I’m sure I will see at some point. The soul connection goes beyond verbal communication… I ride the waves of your mind, you allow me to, and this is how I not only come to understand you but how I also know things you don’t ‘tell’ me. I know so much more than you think I do… and with that said comes the promise: I will never leave you. No matter what.
This year is going to be monumental for you. And it’s so important for you to push the positive, not only for yourself but for the sake of these wonderful friends and family members that you’ve mentioned. Positivity is contagious, inspiring and it fortifies the support system. Those who love you really do want to see you happy…when you are sad or depressed, you are loved as well…the only problem with negativity is that it’s like a sucking pool that devours all good intentions, rendering support and loving kindness into futility. When you show your loved ones that you WANT to try, that you WANT to strive for happiness, you make them feel like their love was truly important after all.
And so, forever and a day it shall be. I thank you for mentioning me in such kind and sweet ways here in this blog. And our heaven awaits, in fact I’m almost of the belief that maybe that was our original abode and that the heaven we always speak of is actually a memory waiting for our return.
I love you. I am grateful for you. You have come into my life and given it meaning, purpose and destiny. For you, the world.
Always.
D
*sighs softly* Thank you, honey for everything. For being my strength, for loving me, for putting up with me when I am down and depressed, for braving the storm when I have one of my Autistic “tantrums”, for trying to bring me positivity when I am so terribly negative. Ah hell, just for it all! You’ve been through so much and I’ve put you through so much. I hope I am worth it hah!
Yes, one day our Heaven will be ours and I am like you, I believe we’ve had it before, that we lived there, but were sent down by God, Angels on Earth to do His work. I sometimes, as you know, question what His work is for me, then I have someone tell me how I have helped them through my blog, my Tweets, my Facebook messages. How I have helped other survivors…inspired people. I think when I hear that, it makes my life make more sense. LOVING YOU, was also my destiny and I am so glad God finally brought you to me…maybe that was another re-payment for what I’ve been through, because you are a TREASURE! The most precious treasure ever.
HAH As I was writing this, there was just a knock at my door. It was an old lady, one of my neighbors who is actually nice. She’s very, very poor and she asked me for a cigarette. I gave her 8 of my own…taking from myself to give to her and I just realized, what you were saying to me might be right, I AM a good boy, not bad, bad, bad, like “he” always said……I always want to help others, I will bend over backwards to do it, and do without to help someone. To make someone smile and feel better. And you know what? YOU have helped this part of me come out. Before I met you, I would have NEVER answered the door when I looked through the peep hole and saw someone that was not family….So thank you baby, for helping the GOOD in me shine even more…
Ah here I go writing a novel again. I just love you…and thank you for loving me, for not leaving, running scared from all that is negative in me. Thanks for seeing THE GOOD…it’s there, it really is!
I am forever your boy…..<3<3<3
So that was literally ‘opportunity knocking’, wasn’t it? The opportunity to extend yourself, to reach past your self-imposed limits and perform a random act of kindness. Trust me in this, babe – one good deed leads to many more and the energy starts to spin and spin causing a revolution, and in this case a revolution of good energy. I feel it too these days. And I want to do everything with you, so I always want to be on the same page with you. You know what’s also a nice thing I noticed; you haven’t blogged in quite a while, and I was feeling that perhaps that was because you were in such a rut, feeling that the only time you could blog was to deliver horror stories, and being that so much of the horror ended last year, you felt you didn’t have enough to say or that what you might say would not be as ‘exciting’ or ‘interesting’ as the horror stories.I think YOU thought people wouldn’t be interested in you unless you were telling sad tales… but you are oh so wrong! People know the sad tales and to see you show happiness touches the hearts of those who read your blogs. To see you happy means that happiness IS possible, and for you, who wants to touch people with your life’s journey: this is your opportunity to share your redemption.
If you think you are touching people’s lives by telling the tales of your abuse and illness, just think how overjoyed and redeemed THEY feel when they see that not only did you SURVIVE, but that you went on to THRIVE!! Now THAT’s redemption! Absolution is not merely living to tell, but living to rise above and merge with all that’s good and deservedly so.
You are, and always will be GOOD. Always my good boy, always.
Your D
V I love you! and I’m so glad you fought so hard to stay here because you brighten the lives of so may people! Happy Birthday again and Happy Birthday for many years to come so you can brighten more lives! By the way the phone always scares the sh.. out of me too I only talk to a few people on it
I think its evil!
Patti
Aww, Patti, you made me smile so BIG! You are so sweet and so kind!! I am glad we’ve met and that you are my friend!! It’s NICE to have GOOD friends, who care, instead of the fake friends I seem to always attract, who end up hurting me because I am so damn naive haha!
I am glad you understand the phone thing as well, most people don’t “get it”! HAHA and yes, they are evil, but a necessary evil I guess!! It has helped me be able to stay connected to people like you, who are far away, and it’s MUCH easier for me to talk on the phone or voice chat on Yahoo, to type words on a computer than to do anything face to face, I fail miserably at face to face contact! HAH!
Anyhow, thank you again for being so kind to me! LOVE to you too!! <3 XOXOX
Happy Birthday! I remember when Dori first met you on Deviant Art how happy she was and still is.
I think you two are perfect for each other.
I do hope you get your SSI and it sounds like you will. I know mine helps me a lot.
And it will make a huge difference knowing that you will be getting that check and that your insurance will pay for everything.
I hope you do get that day at the Spa.
Many good thoughts for you.
I wish you all the happiness you desire.
Lots of love and hugs,
~Laura
Yes, Laura, you were there at the beginning of the great romance of D and V!! Thank you for being a friend and for supporting myself and D!! And thank you for commenting on my blogs and being so nice to me!! <3
it was because of Laura that I went to deviantArt in the first place!
had she not suggested it to me, you and I would have had to find another way for our souls to meet!
It’s so good to hear you full of so much hope. I loved reading about your life. It’s nice to get to know more of you, both good and bad. That’s how it has to be with friends, we love everything about them, all of it. I’m very happy that I’ve gotten to know you this last year. I hope we get to know each other better this next year. I’m so happy that you have this birthday and here’s to many more. And here’s to the beautiful love that you and my sweet friend share. Love you two.
Cyndi!!! You are so great! You really were THERE to see D and V come together, you knew of me before I met D….(I know people won’t understand that, but you DO) and you’ve always been such a great, supportive friend to D, so thank you for THAT!
I really appreciate you always reading and commenting on my blogs, it means the world to me! You always have a kind word for me, love for me and D and it’s so appreciated and needed!
We love you too, Cyndi! Very much!! <3 Always!
It’s nice to hear you so filled with positive feelings. You have accomplished so much this past year–look at all you’ve done!– and it’s only the beginning. The more you glow with that positive light the more it’s all coming back to you. Your kids are so lucky to have such a loving father. And I am lucky you have shared your thoughts so openly and honestly. You’ve taught me all about autism–so many things I never knew. You’ve taught me about determination and bravery and survival. There is simply no one else like you. I know this next year will bring everything you’ve hoped for. Much love, E
Thank you SO much, Emily for stopping by on my birthday, and for reading my LONG, LONG post haha! I am glad I could help you understand Autism, if I can teach MORE people about it, maybe the judgements will lessen for people like me…
Much love back to you, always!!
Valyn,
It is my prayer for you that you get to live without fear, without prejudice,, without self loathing. i am so honored to have met you this year. For me to meet someone to have MANY things in common was helpful and freeing in its own way. You deserve so much Valyn. god Bless you my new friend who has forever changed me for the better.
Sincerely,
In Christ,
Korey
Thank you SO much, Korey for writing here!! I am glad I could make you feel more “free”. I always said, if my blog could touch just ONE person, then all the pain of writing the “bad stuff” would be worth it. And it’s nice to see that I have touched more than one person!
*hugs*
I’m so happy to hear things have turned around for you. I hope you have happiness the rest of the year. Happy Birthday.
Thank you, sweetie! <3
I don’t know if my first comment went through or not- got an error page, so forgive me if i repeat myself.
You epitomize the word survivor. Look at you, dude! You keep going and going like the fuckin’ energizer bunny!
I love it- I love that you can talk for paragraphs and express yourself in real and raw terms. I used to be able to do that when i was a hella lot younger, and you are inspiring me to find a way to reach inside of myself again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! seriously- you deserve the love and happiness that is finally showering you—
I can talk for paragraphs, but it was hard at first to open myself up in a public way. I knew I was "putting myself out there" and opening myself up for what could possibly be public ridicule from those who do not understand. But I have been lucky and 99% of my feedback/comments have been positive. So that means other survivors NEED to see things like this. We all need to know we are NOT alone...
I really do hope I can inspire you to dig deeper and purge...get that shit out of your system. It's a POISON!!
Thank you for the kind birthday wishes, I really do appreciate it!! :-)
I’ve been trying to think of how to reply all day; I’m always afraid that what I say won’t be good enough, for some reason. Firstly, I enjoy talking to you on the phone, too; it really is nice to be able to be quiet on the phone and have it be OK. To me, silence is just part of the flow of a conversation; there’s a time to talk, and then a time to just chill, reflect, be quiet, and collect my thoughts. Whenever you’re upset on the phone, I always wish I could give you a hug. *squishy birthday hugs for you* You can always talk to me about anything; I’m here for you, and I’ll be your friend for as long as you want me to be.
You say you don’t know how to repay me for helping you, but I’ve never done anything for you with the expectation of getting anything in return. When I’ve done things for you, it’s just seemed like the right thing to do. You’re an amazing person, and you don’t deserve to be without.
I hear you talk about social difficulties due to being autistic, and I can relate so well to that, as you already know. I think it’s BECAUSE you are autistic that I was able to initiate conversation with you last year. I’ve read many blogs over the years, and in some cases, I’ve been reading online journals of people for years, and still haven’t been able to say hi, because I’m shy and scared, even online. I’m happy to have a friend like you that can understand me in ways others often don’t.
Through you and your shows, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some cool people, like Jimmy, Daniel, Jonathan, your best friend Kevin, and your wife, D. Some I’ve talked to more than others, but it seems like everyone you introduce me to in one way or another totally rocks.
*hugs* Happy birthday! I hope all of your hopes and dreams for 2010 come true! I love you! Take care!
Aww, I want you to ALWAYS comment, and you won’t say anything wrong…and if you do–SO WHAT? haha!!
Thank you for being such a kind, sweet, lovng and giving friend. I AM so glad you finally did say hello to me and that we became friends! You really DO understand what it’s like to be Autistic, because you ARE. So it’s nice to talk to someone to REALLY gets it!
My hands hurt today so i won’t type much. I just want to say thank you again, for everything and I love you dearly!
It’s taken me a while to find quiet time to read and respond but I’m glad I have! That was a great blog.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday!
Thank you for writing such open and honest blogs. You are a person to be admired for your strength, your capacity to love, your humor, your intelligence. I’m keeping you in my prayers that the SSI comes through for you. I know that will make things easier for you and you won’t have to worry about money and that will give you some peace of mind, which you so richly deserve.
YAY for you – turning in your ‘Dad’! Things can only get better from here on out. Not having to live in fear of him will most surely make you sooooo much happier….closer to 80% happy….although I hope you surpass 80% happy and get closer to 90 or even 100% happy! If anyone I know deserves that it is you. : )
I hope this year brings you only good things, good people and good times!
Love,
Sherry
Hello V I’ve just picked up on this as I’ve not been online much lately due to depression . I must just comment on your remark that you’re not sure of how God wants you to work for Him . Could it be that aswell as all the great things you do on yr talk show blog etc , His plan for you is to be you and therefore reflect Him to others ? Your unbeatable spirit in the face of horrendous suffering, your love for others when each day is so hard for you, that lovely gift of gratitude you have and your honesty and openness :what are these if not a reflection of Christs love ? Carry on being yourself V and God will continue to work through you . You know you are on my daily prayer list , I will pray for the best year ever , for you and your family , money, more happiness , less pain . You deserve all that life can offer . God bless