Another year, another birthday. Today I woke up in awe that I MADE IT to another birthday. I have been living with a chronic cancer (Chronic Myeloid Leukemia) for the past 10 years or so. It kind of sucks to live with a chronic cancer, because you linger, you struggle, you go through treatment after treatment until one day they tell you that you are terminal and they will do what they can to give you more life, more time with your family, your children…When you deal with a chronic cancer for as many years as I have, other things start to go. I am in kidney failure, my pancreas is no longer working at all, so I am taking 6 insulin shots a day, my heart is damaged from all the chemotherapy and radiation…some days you wonder WHY you keep going, you get tired, but you know what? I am GLAD I am still here.

The years I have been given allowed me to watch my daughter Mel grow up and start to live her own life, it allowed me to have my boo K in my life…she lights up my life every day! It allowed me more time with my best friend Kevin, whose been with me since we were 8 years old. It’s given me more time with my Mama, the years allowed me to be able to tell her more and more about the things “Dad” did to me. And speaking of “Dad”, these years gave me the time to gather up the courage to FINALLY say “NO MORE” and have his ass put in jail in 2009. And most of all, these years allowed me to find my true soul mate, D. If the doctors or even ME had given up, I would have never met her!

It’s funny, I’ve always known I was bi-sexual, and I lived a mostly gay lifestyle until I met her. I ALWAYS knew, since I was a small boy– that used to lie under the stars at night with my best friend Kevin and talk– that my soul mate was female. I always knew I would find her some day. I remember telling Kevin that when we were about 10 years old or so. He never doubted me. I didn’t know just HOW long it would take me to find her, however. I went through one shitty, abusive in one way or the other relationship. In all my life I can say, until I met D, I only had 2 some what healthy relationships, one with a woman and one with a man. It seemed I would seek out people who would abuse me, because abuse was ALL I knew. As most of you who read my blog know, my abuse didn’t stop when I was 18 and moved out of my childhood home. It continued, for all of my life. All I knew growing up was sex and abuse. I thought sex was the way to show I cared. I thought being treated as a sexual object was how people showed they cared. My life has been such a fucked up mess, UNTIL I met my soul mate D.

She is the ONLY person who knows mostly everything about my life and my abuse and she STAYED, she stuck with me, she helped me, she cried with me and for me, she gave me her strength. She also helped me out with my Autism. Until I met her (we met on the site deviantART) I never talked on the phone unless it was to my child, Kevin or my mother. I HATED it, I was terrified of the phone. I have so many problems socially. I cannot read people’s body language, I can’t tell what they are thinking. I stim constantly, I have tics and other oddities. I am high functioning, but I have a LOT of low functioning traits and D has helped me get through not only the phone thing, but she pushed me to DJ (from my own home of course), she pushed me to step outside my little world (which I love) and see the world a bit more. I am GLAD she did.

I have a few friends now that I actually talk to on the phone, though I will admit I SUCK at calling first. I RARELY do it heh. But when they call, I DO talk and it’s an amazing thing for me. I actually love it some days, and some days, I like it less and just want to be quiet and left alone. And my friends understand that, so it’s all good. I DJ’d for a couple of online radio stations and it was a BLAST and if I live longer, I want to start my OWN station, because I DO miss that! Music has always been a HUGE part of my life, whether it was playing music and performing with my band OR listening. I have my own talk show on the  internet and I have been fortunate to interview people like Ace Frehley and Bruce Kulick of KISS to other Autistics and abuse survivors like me! If it wasn’t for my soul mate D, I would have done NONE of that.

This past year also saw me finally start to fight again for my SSI (which I DESERVE after working my ass and paying taxes) and went through the process from initial application to hearing in less than a year. That is UNHEARD of most of the time, but I have a great attorney now AND one of our Senators of KY fighting for me. My hearing was January 19th and it went WELL I think. When we left the hearing my lawyer said to me “We got it!” and I said to him, “You really think so?” and he said “Yes, I would be very,very, VERRRY shocked if you didn’t get it!” Of course part of me is totally optimistic and the other part of me is totally pessimistic, because I have been fighting for my SSI for TEN years! No one should ever have to fight like I have! SOOO, hopefully in the next few weeks, I will hear something and HOPEFULLY it’s GOOD news and I get my Medicaid, my backpay (which won’t be much, unfortunately) and my monthly check! So I still ask everyone to keep their fingers crossed!

In the last few months of 2009 I ended my abuse. I finally “TOLD” and my “Dad” is in prison now. He can’t contact me, he can’t call me, he can’t stalk me and he can’t rape or beat me EVER again. It doesn’t make me “get over” the years and years of abuse. I am too shattered to “get over it”, BUT I feel safe for the first time in my life. I can actually go to the store or doctor and know he won’t show up to terrorize me. I can SLEEP at night now, without worrying about him possibly breaking into my apartment and raping and beating me to a bloody pulp again. I can answer my phone and not have to be so scared to death I vomit when I would hear his sick voice on the other end. I would like to say I am FREE, but I will never be TRULY free. But it is NICE to live whatever life I have left without HIM.

So all in all, I hope this year brings me more LIFE. I hope I get my Medicaid so I can see the specialists I need to see, that can hopefully help me have a better quality of life. I hope this year brings me my money, so I can feel some what more independent and I can FINALLY fix up my apartment so it’s more ME and not a bunch of hand-me-down furniture and all. I want new things that are MINE, MINE, MINE!!! I hope I get my money so I can finally take my kids out and say, “Why YES, you can have that!” and not have to worry if I can pay a bill after I buy it *le sigh*. So I can buy my wife a proper wedding band and give her and my kids the day spa trip they’ve been dreaming of. So I can give my Mama some money to help her. She’s taken care of me since I got sick, she let me live with her for two years, she bought my smokes, some of my meds, she bathed me when I was too weak to do it myself, she’s loved me unconditionally and it will be nice to give a little bit back to her!!

I hope this year I can be at LEAST 80% happy, instead of the 20% I have been. I live in a fog of depression and illness and it’s HARD to be happy all the time, but I would like to feel more happy than I usually do. I want to KNOW what it feels like to wake up happy more than one or two days a week. I hope this year brings me at least SOME peace, some healing. Less flashbacks, night terrors and fears. I know I will never be totally healed. I went through far too much–torture, rape, beatings beyond what most of you can comprehend. My mind shattered that day in the garage when I was a small, small child. I am tired of feeling negative and pessimistic. I want to live what life I have left in happiness, some peace and PURE LOVE! I want to live what life I have left surrounded by my family and the few REAL friends I have who love me.

I want to thank my family and my Kevin for loving me NO MATTER WHAT. I want to thank D for being my soul mate, for putting up with me and my negativity, my depression, my melt downs…for loving me unconditionally and always being there! I will always be your forever boy and one day we will have our Heaven together and it will be everything we’ve always talked about! I Love you, forever and a day!! <3

I want to thank my Autistic friends that I’ve met over the last year! I never had Autistic friends until I met you all and it’s nice to talk to people who understand what it’s like! You guys are so great and I feel blessed to have met you all!

To a few special friends–

Ariana–You’ve been BEYOND good to me! I know these few words in this blog cannot express my thanks to you! You are a special and beautiful person and don’t you EVER let anyone tell you otherwise! You’ve listened to me cry, be angry, laugh and just be quiet. And it’s ALL ok. You’ve also helped me so much and if it weren’t for you a few times, I would have been TOTALLY screwed (and not in a good way hahaha). I can NEVER begin to repay you, so I will just say THANK YOU and I love you! <3

To my dear friend Jerilyn–We’ve known each other for years and you’ve always been there for me.  We’ve had our ups and downs, our arguments where both of us were too stubborn to give in, but some how our friendship survived all of that and here we are, still friends! WOW! You’ve done more for me than anyone can imagine, you’ve helped me be independent, you’ve saved my ass more than once. You’ve cried and laughed with me, you’ve gossiped with me (HAHA) and I appreciate you so much! I love you dearly and I always will!

Wow, this ended up being a long post, but I haven’t written in awhile and I guess I had a lot to get out, so deal with it! HAHAHA! OMG my arms and hands are hurting so bad now HAHA! Thanks to everyone who has read this far HAHA!!! I am SO out!

I was thinking about how I am me, just uniquely me. I have always strived to be different from everyone else and I think I’ve succeeded. I have also had people try to change me. That isn’t going to work. I can’t be anything other than who I am.

I am Autistic, bi-sexual, I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet, I am funny, warm, intelligent, loving, kind-hearted, naive, sensitive–I am just ME. If you talk with me online, on facebook, in Yahoo Messenger, etc. then you speak with me on the phone, you will see I DO NOT change at all, I am always the same no matter what. I don’t budge and you can’t budge me, so don’t even TRY.

Don’t try to tell me to stop stimming, it won’t happen. Don’t tell me to stop rocking, it won’t happen. Don’t tell me to make my voice deeper, it won’t happen. Don’t tell me to stop being so effeminate, it won’t happen. Don’t tell me to “get over it” when it comes to my abuse, it won’t happen. Don’t assume I am GAY from the way I look, I am NOT, I am proudly bi-sexual. Don’t ask me to lie for you, it won’t happen. Don’t expect me to lie to you, it wont happen, so don’t ask me if you look fat in your jeans, I will tell you the truth! HAH!

Don’t put me on a pedestal and treat me like I am some kind of God. I hate that. I am just ME. I can’t help the way I look, I can’t help that I was born with a nice face and body….sometimes I wish I hadn’t been!!! Don’t stalk me, I hate that shit…don’t fucking objectify me, I AM NOT a SEX OBJECT. If you want to have a “crush” on me…well I can’t stop you, but don’t tell me about it or hint at it. It makes me uncomfortable, plus I am happily MARRIED! Don’t think because of the way I look I want to fuck you, I DO NOT! Also, don’t think because of the way I look, walk and talk that I am a gay man. I am not, as I said I am BI-SEXUAL (PROUDLY). Don’t think you can ‘cure’ my Autism, you cannot and I wouldn’t want to be anything other than Autistic!! I am proud of it! Don’t look at me and ASSUME because I am sick I am a “faggot with AIDS”, and YES I have had people say that to me, and it’s insulting to people in the LGBT community. There are WONDERFUL people out there LIVING with AIDS, but I HAVE CANCER, Get it? GOT IT? GOOD!

If you can’t handle my stimming, my tics, my OCD or anything else that is me, then please, kindly go away.

I am uniquely me and that is just the way it is! As I said, you can’t budge me, so just love me the way I am (platonically of course HAHA)!

I’m out.

Happy New Year!

 

As usual I am going to write my end of year blog.

2009 was a pretty crappy year for me. I had a lot of pain, a lot of medical issues, etc. There were some good things that happened as well. 2009 will be remembered as the year I finally stood up for myself and had “Dad” put in prison. I hope he’s having “fun” there and meeting lots of swell guys who are especially horny heh!

2009 seemed to go by SO very fast, I guess that is a good seeing as it was a pretty shitty year for me and quite a few people I love and care about. 2009 is the year my beautiful wife started school (I’m so proud of you!!), moved into her new apartment and began a journey of learning and growing. Our love has only grown in this year, as it has every year since we met. We will spend New Year’s Eve together, have our usual glass of champagne and toast to a great 2010! I love you honey!

2009 saw ups and downs for my oldest daughter Mel, but she’s finally all settled with a GREAT fiance. He’s a really good guy and ADORES her. He helps me around the house, takes out my garbage, always carries my groceries up the steps for me. I wish them a LONG, happy relationship….I love them both dearly. K has grown up SO much this year. She’s so wise, so loving and caring. She never fails to give me a smile when I feel like shit, or say something SO totally cute it will pull me out of a depression. She loves me unconditionally and shows me that every day! We’ve realized also this year, that Hunter, who is 3, is on the Autistic spectrum. I guess it is hereditary…he’s so much like I was when I was his age, tall, skinny, cute, with HUGE eyes. He is such a sweet boy and I adore you.  He also calls me Daddy and gives me so much love and MANY hugs and kisses! *warm fuzzy feelings*

I’ve met a few AMAZING people and a few shitty ones along the way this year. I am not giving a moment to the assholes, but I want to mentions the good ones here in this blog. Ariana, we met through this blog and she got up the courage to write me and come to my talk show. We’ve been friends ever since, she always calls me to talk and check on me. She has helped me in so many ways and I can’t thank her enough! To all the other new people I’ve met on Twitter and Facebook, my Autistic friends, I just want to say YOU ROCK. I never had Autistic friends before this year and it’s great to talk to people who really understand what it’s like to be on the spectrum! I can’t name everyone, but you know who you are, thank you! <3

I’ve lived ANOTHER year!!! I’ve beaten the “prognosis” I was given almost 5 years ago. “You’ve got 4-6 months, get your affairs in order”. HAH! Fooled YOU, I am still here and I truly hope I live to see 2011. I am going to live every day of 2010 like I have this year, with hope, love, friends, family and my stubborn ass ways!

So here’s to everyone! May this New Year bring you everything you want AND MORE. I wish you all, love, peace and happiness!

~V